Dear Dad, it’s been 22 years since our last conversation.
Hello from 2023. The last time we spoke, I had just dropped out of chasing a firefighter career that was perfectly on track and had just gotten a job at Pebble Beach at their highest end hotel.
I was sitting here today watching mash and I decide to write you, like Hawkeye writes his pops.
Dad, you were the person I respected the most, politically.
The amount of times I have, over the years, needed the perspective of someone I respect the way I respected you, is infinite.
You died a month after I scored this amazing job, and your knowledge of the world, its events and history would have really helped me sift thru the emotions of the 2001 tragedy.
What I loved about you more than your political opinion was definitely your love of cars.
Three months after your death, I got to work at the world’s most prestigious auto show.
Yeah, you would have thought it to be the pretentious bullshit it was, but it would have been so fun to walk around with you attempting to find all of the cars that had been in each of our storied car history.
After you died, I left my chick, and started coasting the beaches for a bit, shortly after, I ended up at home.
I’m not sure why, but I’ve never been able in my 46 years alive to stay away from this place.
Dad, currently I feel like I’m in the middle of a time warp, things that were a long time ago seem like they were yesterday.
Anyway, I’ll go on.
Where was I? I married and impregnated quickly and even quicker, created another.
At the same time, I started to learn how broken I was and it sure seems like I was repeating patterns from my childhood.
After a divorce, and some friendly attentive coparenting, yep, I have a couple of wonderful kids, maybe I’ll tell you about them later.
Dad, I’d rather get back to my teenage hood, I wish the world would have known then how fucked up I was emotionally, the amount of ptsd I had been managing for most of my life, and that I had developed bipolarness, while exacerbating my missed adhd, and accompanied by an unknown anxiety and hilariously unexpected later in life realized depression, thus creating an attention seeking human.
That’s enough of that.
Dad, I think you’d be proud me, I have spent the majority of my life since teenage hood and maybe even through my teenage hood, I think, making good decisions to create an ok person out of myself.
I know that your worry was that I wouldn’t be able to get by in life on my brain, it makes sense, I struggled to find a path, and paths were easy for you.
I wish I could tell you I’ve solved my life’s career problems, but no, my genetic and epigenetic code is still fighting me.
I have, however, spent the last 12 years chasing a career that would perplex your unhealthy dead ass, and I have to admit, I’m pretty good at it.
I’m sure it will make sense to you that one of my life’s goals is to help myself and others make it to be 100-year-old skiers, bikers, and surfers, through nutrition, and congregation for movement.
Unfortunately, the work I do in health and longevity never really pays off, but I’ll never quit. In time, I plan to make my health practice free, like a health church.
Dad, over the years I have started many businesses and sometimes I feel like I’ve failed even more, but, pops, I promise I will never quit.
Your biggest worry was always about if I’d be the lazy spoiled kid I was in adolescence, forever.
Spoiled, I am not, unfortunately, financial success hasn’t found me yet. I never settled on the obvious good career I should have, but I have always kind of known I was gonna make it on my own, like Patti LaBelle and that Doobie brother.
This year, I’ve started yet another business.
Fuck, Dad, I wish you could see it, somehow I bottled my crazy ass and put myself into a t shirt brand. My love of sliding on snow that you rooster blocked, and the mountain biking, surfing, the love of cars that we shared, it’s all in there, in my daily life and now in my brand.
Hahahahaha, you told me to not wear clothes that I advertised for someone else. How do you like my brand, literally no advertising at all, just me being the stunt man that you never understood.
Does it make you laugh thinking about me trying to get some “no fear” shirt and you being like no! You can’t wear someone else’s logo, hahahahahaha. I only wear my own label, popsimus, how do you like me now?
So dad, something I’ve learned over the years and it’s the weirdest thing ever, I’m not sure if you knew it or not, but I have no confidence at all. It’s all a sort of bullshit, a facade, the way I come off, it’s not on purpose, just a survival method. I believe in myself so little that I generally quit everything I do, well, except the good stuff.
I’m not kidding, it’s taken me years to realize people see a version of me I don’t even know exists.
Anyway Dad, my online store represents me being thankful that I somehow guided myself to such an ok place in life, by making some pretty solid decisions along the way, well, considering what y’all four parents gave me.
Yep, you guessed it, I have girlfriend, she is great and I can’t imagine getting through it all without her. She obviously has some rats too. We are a motley crew.
She supports me in my dreams and failures, unfortunately, I think it’s easier to see the failures currently. I think we both trust in the system and are enjoying life along the way, shit ain’t always easy, pops, but it’s worth it.
My teenagers are so much better than I was at their age, so I must be a way better parent than you. I have a daughter who is 13 and a son who’s 16. No shit, they are mentally healthy versions of me.
I currently work out of my girlfriend’s garage and ski or mountain bike when I can. I wonder if I could have got you to enjoy activity.
Unfortunately, I lost contact with Billy and Kim but hopefully that changes some day.
I know you hated to move so much.
My exercise practice is about helping people realize that excessive exercise isn’t what helps us live longer.
Over exercise isn’t what would have fended off the health problems you faced but nutrition might have, well, other than that black widow bitch.
You won’t believe me if I told you but I still hang out with the Lost Boys, in fact, I named my store after them.
Unfortunately, we lost Johnny, and I have to say I miss him. We hadn’t talked at all, but he was there the night I met my kids’ mom, randomly, after I hadn’t seen him in years. Believe it or not, Johnny was a coast guard mechanic. Something inside me knows he struggled and I loved him anyways. He will always be missed and he doesn’t even know it.
You always said my high school homies wouldn’t last, man, were you wrong. I talk to Matt and Zeb daily, and when Craig found out I started a clothing brand, he dropped his wad and bought the farm. I haven’t seen Dunk for a bit, but he hasn’t changed at all, no shit, he needed staples in his head after the last time we hung out from a skateboarding accident.
Dad, I couldn’t write this horrible story any worse, but Jason is alone like I am. He first lost his dad then his sister, I’m not fucking around, Jenny was shot at a concert in Vegas. It’s so crazy, that chick used to be my concert guardian angel and I can’t believe she went that way. Anyway, mass shootings are now a thing.
Politics are crazy and people are still as racist as you and your mom were. It kinda sucks, you’d think that society would be farther along than we are, but enlightened we are not.
Damn Dad, It’s crazy how hard life is if you pay attention, while I have spent most of mine attempting to see the positive in everything and like you taught me, to every morning thank something that I have my breath, but it feels like something negative is always trying to zap all your strength away.
Anyway Pop, I’ll leave you to your computer card games.
I wish you knew how much I missed you.
Oh Popsimus, what I would give to have an old school mash nap.
Y’all remember when mash was on for 2 hours after school?
Maybe I’ll write home to my dead dad again soon.
Thanks for reading, thanks, mash for raising me, and I hope y’all are getting through it